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I'm not here for your amusement..

Friday, August 5, 2005

4:25AM

It always seems that everytime things are perfect something HAS to go wrong.. I hate it.. I hate being helplessly in love with someone that only pretends to give a fuck about me..... I hate not feeling good enough and insecure about myself.. i hate it.. most of all i hate hate hate not being able to tell him how i feel..

its the worst thing in the world.... I hate it...

Let it go and breath

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

12:54PM

Me: God people are just such....

Christian: Vaginas?...

Me: Thats puting it lightly

Christian: ah...Hairy vaginas???


hahaha I <3 you christian..



People need to like not read my journal if they are going to get all offended by it.. I know the truth hurts, but get the fuck over it.. Stop being a pussy and messaging me and CALLING me, when your fat lopsided tit ass had AMPLE oppurtunity to say this shit to my face.. fucking loser.. get a life..

Current mood: amused
Let it go and breath

Tuesday, May 3, 2005

4:37PM - where is my happy ending? where have all the cowboys gone

well, I wante to write this long ass entry pretty much reflecting my experience at clarion.. But I dont think that there really is a need for it at this point. When I made the choice to go to clarion, it was because of my own personal demons and my need to get out of the city. I got accepted to a wonderful school but was unable to attend because I couldn't afford it. There are probably lots of more affordable schools that I could have gone, to but for some reason "mainly" annie, I decided that clarion was my best shot. I really did enjoy alot about that school.. Honestly. It sucked and was for the most part so boring to me because it was based in such a small town and I was so used to the city. I did meet alot of cool people my first year and pretty much fell i love with the place. I cant put into words all of the shit that went down at clarion. All the bullshit drama that led up to me losing friendships with people I thought I would know the rest of my life... Sometimes I sit back and reflect from the whole thing and I know myself and know that I am not a bad person and couldn't have remotely done anything bad enough for these people to shun me the way that they have. I question many things going back from the friendships and realize it was right in my face the entire time that these people never gave a shit about me. I had never gotten into a fight with josh and Id walk down the hall with chelsea and hed greet her and not say a fucking word to me. This was efore anything happened. I expressed my concerns about race issues with in the university and no one even cared to listen or realized what I was getting at. When I finally decided to speak up for how I felt, im a dirty, nasty lying bitch. Im not nothing. Im put down unbelievably mad and made to feel like im better off dead. WHen I did have an a near death experience no one even bothered to see if I had made it. And I look on face book at them all saying their goodbyes, telling eachother how they charish what they have all the while realizng that the first people that I ever trust in my life never cared about me. They are all so fucking happy and in this world of happiness with their clique and they don't even realize at how fucked up I am behind their actions. Colleeen, who is someone i never even DID anything to said to me "you have hurt so many people". How? By sticking up for myself when a group of fucking people are dedicated to running you out of the dorm that YOU paid for? having people who live next door who dont even KNOW me, havent even spoken a fucking word to me, message me and tell me im a piece of shit.
When I was growing up my mother has had a strong dislike for white people because of an experience she had growing up. she had white friends and even had me by a man of another race, but she always insteeled in me to never trust them. I thought she was always so full of shit and vowed to never share her views. I knew that racism exsisted, but I said to my self on so many occasions that it would never impact me. I thought that even if I did experience it, it would be through a stranger. And then Jessica greer started with her fucking comments last year that really pissed me off, but I let them slide because i realized some people are just raised that way. But when all that shit went down, and I was a fucking bitch because I called her on it, it made things clear. I was the fucking punchline for these people, here to make cracks now and then and add a little diversity. But thats it. And thats what hurts the most. Not that we had a HUGE fight about something big, but that something so trite happened and these people decided to hate me. Because its easier for them, there was no lost there and that fucking sucks because this shit never happened to me before. Its not that I can't let go. I can.. But its the confusion behind it. Was my mother seriously right? Im not saying that I am innocent at all, but what did I do to deserve this Its so easy for them to write me off like I never exsisted. But what about me? I told nikki about what happened with my dad BEFORE i even told my own mother. matter of factly i sat around with all of them in nikkis room and told them before anyone in my family knew. When so much happened I was there for all of them. I bitched about alot of shit because thats just me, but I genuinely loved and cared about these people and im so fuckin hurt by what they did to me. Its not even normal. I would have thought by now that I would have forgot about it all.. But its like tormenting me and im so afraid. First it was sadness.. Now its hate.. Will it turn into rage? I have been fucked over so much in my life. That fat bitch from next door (in nair) had the nerve to tell me that she had been through more than me. Thats so fucked up. She said that I was laying a guilt trip about my dad passing away and that she didnt give a shit. Who the fuck says something like that to a person? Let alone a person that you dont know. So much shit happened.. So much has happened.. I think back to that night when "D" and his friends were willing to take care of them and I was so about to let him. Even though I was so fucked up by what they did to me and how they screwed with my life, I thought about the consequences of these people having something so serious happening to them. I thought about their family and their friends and people that loved them. I thought about how I would feel the next day and if I would feel any better. I know that it would have never been able to be traced back to me and I would have gotten away with it. But I realized that it wouldnt make me feel any better.
I am soo grateful to the new friends that I made. I love all of you guys with every aspect of my life. I cherish what we have. You guys are awesome.
deep down inside i realize that new friends will never replace what i had with these people in nair hall. The memories will never be replaced. Im such a realist, but nothing prepared me for the reality of being Bi-racial.. Im totally lost.... Im lost..
I hope everyone had a wonderful year and good luck in life..

Current mood: depressed
Let it go and breath

Monday, May 2, 2005

4:57PM

Dive into my soul this great sea of sadness
It may appear shallow with just a quick glance..
Make a wise decision before you swim and put on a life jacket
Because I wont be there to pull you back out with these shaking hands..
You think that you know me? you don't..
You think that you have bled these wounds, burned this fire and scraped these knees?
You haven't
You think that you have cursed this moon, shaken with this desire and struggled with ease?
you didn't

Dance around to my music these great lyrics of pain
It may appear catchy when we are smoking a bowl and just being "18 forever"
dont get caught up in the true meaning that is my life because i can't even explain it to myself, let alone you..
You think that you want me? you cant
You think that you can replace his words, take away his smell and make me a pretty little virgin again?
You won't
You think that you can hear those birds, erase all of that hell and make me..sane.. again?
you havent..

Current mood: sad
Let it go and breath

Thursday, April 21, 2005

12:15PM - it was only a kiss...it was only a kiss...

well, I havent updated this in forever, so I suppose now would be a good time to say, that life is fucking crazy... I really cant deal with it.. usually..
the end

Current mood: indifferent
Let it go and breath

Monday, March 21, 2005

4:54AM - .......

Hes not
He aint
He just cant be...
Her mouth is dry.. About as dry as her father is, since he gave up the bottle..
About as dry as she was when he made her a woman..
When she was just four years old and "woman" wasn't a part of her vocabulary...
Shit... I won't go there.. I don't even have a ride.
"But you get over stuff like that."
She said while crouching on the dorm room floor.
They all sat and stared at her eager for more..
Funny.. "Then never bothered with me before".. She said in her mind
He will not
He won't
He just refuses
Her mouth is so damn dry..About as dry as Jessicas "It was the nasty black bitch that pissed on the seat"
About as dry as her claim that "black history month is bullshit"
Haha.. Man I wont even go there.. I don't have a ride..
"but you let that shit roll off of your back, you know?"
I said While they all sat around her with this nasty glare
It appeard to make chelsea sick to even stare
"dissapointing".. "I actually thought that she was the one who cared" She screamed in her heart.

I cant
I will not
I aint
I refuse...

I'm over it..

Current mood: indifferent
Let it go and breath

Thursday, March 3, 2005

9:39PM

I got an apartment of my own
in the city
Im super excited
my dreams are coming true..

they said id never make it,
the were dead wrong...


Here I come big city

Let it go and breath

Sunday, February 27, 2005

3:29PM

things are weird but definately great.. Im probably at the happiest point so far in my life and thats good. I have great friends and someone VERY special in my life ;)...
I was reading journan entries from my old friends journal from like last spring..it made me so sad in a way.. time changes people so much you know? Maybe that is a good thing.. I have really found my purpose in life..
school next year..eh. im coming to terms with where im going to be and its strange.. fresh begginings are good no matter where they are so thats good...
this past week was ok i guess.. for the most part good.. nikki and i arent friends anymore..its this whole long thing that i dont want to get into at all.. but basically she tried to make it like i tried to make her choose me over the people and nair. but thats not even true..in the slightest bit.. i really dont want to get into it everyone whos friends with me knows the whole story so its not really important.. it hurts alot though because we were really tight, but i think it was just one sided.
I saw an old professor and he asked me why i wasnt enrolled this semester and I told him about the whole annette thing.. And how i basically took the entire rap for Michelle degore and according to mike she totally hates me. so yeah thats fun. He told me that i should go back and tell the advisor the both of us were responsible so that way she would at least get in trouble too. But i told him.. Michelle knows what she did and she never stepped up to the plate and said anything at all.. And mike was like "yeah she hates you anyways".. sooooo.. yeah
Im not going to say i dont care because that does hurt.. but you know thats just how people are i guess..I just agreed to never bother any of them again.. Im not going to im them or email them or anything. NONE of them. Thats just forthe best i guess... I have a few friends that promised me that this semester wont end without them getting whats theres.. so i was like, whatever. i dont care what happens. i just dont want to be a part of it at all..blah..


so im glad that mess is over. aside from that.. things are good.. really good.. im so happy

Current mood: happy
2 breaths - Let it go and breath

Friday, February 25, 2005

7:52AM - your just jelous cuz we're young and in love...

I can't even believe the shit that went down last night... I cant believe how some people can be.. I'm like.. speechless.. All I have to say is that clarion is a big campus to walk, but people are getting confronted today..

the end

Current mood: pissed off
Let it go and breath

2:07AM

revenge is best served cold..

Let it go and breath

Thursday, February 3, 2005

12:12PM - !

Ok so i had to change blondies song somewhat. I thought it was pretty fitting though. :)

Oh mannnnnnnn. Last night was so interesting... I went to Ericas last night because I totally needed to cool off. So, I walk in and i'm pretty visably upset. Shane (on of my huge rugby playing/wrestler crazy irish friend) was like "whats wrong baby girl"? That's what he calls me. Im like his daughter. hehe. So I tell him about Mike being a total cock and staying that shit about me. First thing out of his mouth "Can I pleassssssssse fuck him up"?? I told him no just like I told Dan.. I don't want my friends to get arrested over mike. He's such a pussy, he wouldn't even fight back. He'd fucking be a little bitch and go and run and tell the cops or something. Like when Jess came in a bitched him one day. He just sat there like a little pussy. Or the one time we went to the little shop by bobs and some punk kid bitched him. He is the hugest pussy I have ever met. That's kind of strange, most gay guys are like firey.. Not him. That's why I find all of this so funny. He's trying to be such a hard ass online, but I know if I walked up to him today hed be a little bitch. Like he talked all of that shit on me before i moved out and when was moving out. he sat there like a pussy and didn't say shhiiiiiiitt. But anyways, I told shane that he couldn't beat up Mike because you know. However, I am permitting him to scare the fuck out of him. So that should be interesting enough. Anyways, a little later, Poe and Jamie are around and i'm telling Jaimie about what Mike said and did and she tells me that poe lives on the second floor of Nair! SO, when poe comes, I told him about mike and he was like "want me to fuck him up?" GODD I love my guy friends. They are like just awesome. I have never had guys friends that were like so protective of me and its fucking great... Like I have had guy friends and they would fuck someone up for harassing me, but SHITTTTTTTT. These guys DONT give a fuck at all, they will just kick someones ass for fucking with me.. Poe is from Philly.. hes a hardass anyways.. But Jaimie and I told him not to. But hes still going to have words with him. Dan went to Chandler to do the same thing yesterday, but Mike wasnt there. I was willing to let this go, but he keeps it going with his journal entries so im going to keep it going.

Tonight is thirsy thurrrrrrrsdayyy. I cant wait.. This night is going to very special.. though I cant put in here why.... :)

more later kids

Current mood: excited
Let it go and breath

Wednesday, February 2, 2005

3:48PM

I fucking love when peoples only defense is to make fun of my weight..or call me a nigger or spic.. I think thats funny when people have to resort to that level of pettiness. I think its funny that because I talk my friend out of doing something stupid that will put him jail, because the person hes doing it to is a piece of shit and not even worth it, i'm making it up... I love it.. But you know what? Im done being a fucking carpet. I am going to stand up for myself and when i see this kid that likes to tear me down? im punching him in the fucking face.. so all of you clarion kids, you should hope to be so lucky to witness it.. Im sick of all of those assholes but hes like the fucking worst, because he faked that he was my friend again and then turned on me.. He needs to learn a fucking lesson. Once and for all.. and im going to teach it to him. I dont need anyone to do shit for me.. Hes a little pussy and it will be even more funny when he is bitched by a girl. hahah.

I loveeeeeeeeee you guys so much. :)

Let it go and breath

Tuesday, February 1, 2005

7:14PM - oh my..

So I love when people try to accuse me of being other people.. Dan was online telling Mike how he was going to beat his ass and hes all "ok Brandi". I think it's so funny that those losers can't take the fact that actually have awesome friends now. That will fucking knock their asses out..
Dan said hes going to chandler tommorrow to bitch him. I HAVE to see that shit. I am willing to pay for the shitty food to see that shit.

Current mood: amused
Let it go and breath

1:01PM - bitch please....

people crack me the fuck up.. seriously.. stupid ass fucking immature piece of shit psuedo homosexual posers crack me the fuck up.. im not even putting shit in my journal.. when I see you (and that will be very soon) im going to tell you exactllllllllly how i fucking feel bitch..please..

Current mood: pissed off
3 breaths - Let it go and breath

Sunday, January 30, 2005

11:47PM - irony...

well last night was awesome. adam ryan had a pimps and hoes party. lol that was very interesting. :) i got verrrrrrry smashed. lol.
Things have been going really good. i have been at ericas like every day and even slept over last week. It was a good time. I love my friends. They make me feel so great about myself and everything around me. I never got this hanging out with chelsea and them and now i think I realize why... :)
Nikki has been hanging out somewhat. She came to Ericas twice and it was pretty fun. She got pretty fucking wrecked the last time and it was funny. I like when she comes around. I've missed her. I think that things have definately changed in some ways.. I dunno. But im glad shes hanging out. I was going to walk her back to her room and she was acting really funny. i guess she didnt want any of those assholes to see me.. That kind of pissed me off. I dont know. I just dont want things to be weird on her. So, I didnt say anything. My friends pretty much like her.. shes a little nuts when shes drunk though.. lol

So, mike is pissed at me for no fucking reason.. I put up an away message on my birthday to my friends back home and without a doubt im sure he took it personally and it wasnt about him.. I honestly dont get how nikki can still live in the dorms.. people are so fucking immature and no one in reinhard is like that.. its like an entirely different world man.. Im just soo tired of drama. Like i cant even deal with it anymore. I just think its so ironic that he would try to go there with me considering what i just heard about him. It seems that he has bigger fish to fry.. People make me laugh.. I love my friends :) they make me laugh the most.. and i have body gaurds.. so i want mike to try to fuck with me lol. it DEF wont be like before..

To all of you guys. I fucking love you.. you rock.. You have completed me in ways i never imagined. I will always rememeber how you picked me up when I feel. How you always kept a smile on my face.. I love you all sooo much. You accept me for me, which is something I never had. I love you guys.. forrrrrrrever :)

Current mood: loved
Let it go and breath

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

3:50PM - some one i'll always laugh with...even at my worst im best with you..

last night was the most incredible night of my life... I will never in my life forget it.. you guys are soooo fucking awesome and i swear i will always always remember you.. I had such a horrible time at clarion initially but you guys have showed me that it could be a great experience.... I wish that I would have known you guys before because i know that i would have had a completely different experience.. That was the best birthday I have ever had.. *tear* thanks :). I will never forget it..I love all of you..even Roland :)

Let it go and breath

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

2:44AM

Let me just say that I have the most amazing friends in the world.. I went to pennstate tonight to see Number one fan and Hawthorn heights at "the crowbar". It was so much fucking fun. It was erica,mini,shane,dj,jaimie,christin,kristie and I. We packed into two cars and went. It was sooo much fucking fun. And lately I have been partying at Ericas and this kid Adam Ryans house. And I have met Shane and Jaimie. Two new friends. Its been so god damn great :). Life is lookings so much better. I adore my new friends so much. They are soo nice, and REAL and not judgemental and anal. We just have a good time and keep eachother company all the time... I love it and I have a feeling that things are just going to be getting better.

Todd and I are or were havign some problems so we are kinda on a break. Wich is weird because we live together. But its nice. We still sleep in the same bed every night and hang out, so its good :). I love him. Hes like my best friend,... I really should go to sleep now though..

lata kids. :)

Current mood: pleased
1 breaths - Let it go and breath

Friday, January 14, 2005

3:48PM - wellllll

Last night was interesting in deed... There was Jim morrisons little brother, Hamtaro, LAP DANCES, LOTS OF TITS, ashes between my legs, Baseball players, bitches in white cars, Crash test dummies, "Kdr is closed?", chicken patties, "wait whats kristens screen name?"... and last but not least, "THE PING PONG ROOM IS OFF FUCKING LIMITS, SOMEONE IS GETTING LAID RIGHT NOW"!!!!!!!!!

my god, what a night

Current mood: amused
Let it go and breath

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

8:35PM

I wanna go home :( I cant stand being here anymore

Current mood: lonely
2 breaths - Let it go and breath

Thursday, January 6, 2005

3:16AM - mum?

Why the fuck didn't I know that european music is incredible....You guys should check out "mum".. French..they are awesome

Current mood: restless
Let it go and breath

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